I’m not really sure how to start this blog. It’s been heavy on my heart the past week to share what God has been showing me. If anything, this post is for myself, but I can’t help but know that someone out there needs to be encouraged. So, here it goes (I’m literally shaking as I type this)…
On March 23rd, Ben and I received the best news…we were pregnant. This was a miracle in itself since we had been given a 1% chance to conceive naturally, anyway. We were blown away, excited and loved sharing the news with our family and close friends. Many had been standing in faith for us and praying for this miracle for over a year. On April 3rd, we found ourselves in the ER, with the beginning symptoms of a miscarriage. Our hearts were broken. We didn’t understand and to make matters worse, we were traveling to Nashville to complete our record in the next couple of days. My world came to a screeching halt. I’ve never been so confused, embarrassed and felt like a failure. I so desperately wanted to make Ben a father and give this child the life of a miracle destiny. We came home from the hospital greeted with previous balloons and flowers…celebratory notes and I had to put them away immediately. As I type this, all the emotions and memories are flooding my heart, bringing me to tears.
I’m the type that pretty much makes herself so busy, it’s easy to ignore my heart, especially when I’ve been hurt. That’s just what I did. I would have pauses in my day, that I would think of my precious one and quickly move on. I didn’t want to hear any encouragement. When people asked how I was I quickly said I’m good and said all the right things to keep people moving, but the truth was, I was drowning in confusion and pain. I felt God but I even had mixed emotions about Him.
Bottom line, crappy things happen to good people. There are many out there begging for a child of their own and it hasn’t happened and then there are people who they cough and they get pregnant (or so it seems :)) I rejoiced with so many around me when they would get pregnant, but it was just getting harder and harder. The biggest dream of my heart is to be a mother.
The next Sunday, after our miscarriage, Pastor Ed spoke on the power of lament (http://www.salttribe.org/?blog=656) I highly recommend watching this. It changed our lives. Ben and I wept through the entire message. It gave our breaking hearts a voice. It reminded us that in order to be comforted by the great comforter, we have to go to the place He can comfort us. I guess I didn’t want to be comforted because it would make the pain real. I didn’t want to give my pain a voice, but the truth is/was, it wasn’t until then I started working through it. I felt a release after that service. It really was healing for us. Then I went back to the busy part and moved on. I would have my moments. My sweet friend, Shelly, helped me be okay with having full on meltdowns at lunch 🙂 then I would get up, move on, and pretend it didn’t happen.
Last Sunday was Mother’s Day. It sucked. I had a very hard time with it. Pastor Ed was giving a great message and it was during that message, I saw myself sitting on the shore of the ocean. I could see this oasis of land behind the ocean. But the ocean was raging with stormy waters. It was dark, cold and lots of noise and lightning. There I sat, watching it. There sat Jesus in this boat, just talking to me. It was so precious. He didn’t push me. He just sat there and said, it’s time to get in the boat. It was a clear vision that my oasis of freedom of true joy couldn’t come unless I went through the storm. I have a bad habit of thinking I can go around the pain or pretending it’s not there…doesn’t work. I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit saying, “we can do this.” This precious God of mine, gave me a gift that day. He acknowledged the pain. He knew it was real and He met me there. I truly believe He would sit there as long as it took. He’s patient and kind like that.
And so I’ve come to this new journey of trusting God through the storm. To get in the boat, trust Him and take every bump and jolt. I am probably going to fall in the water and feel like I’m drowning, but He’s there. He never leaves my side. My encouragement to you, is to get in the boat. He promises to never leave you or forsake you. He’s here to walk every step with you. We think pain will kill us so we avoid it, but then it never heals the right way.
He is my joy and He is my strength. One day we will have a child and one day I will meet this sweet one. Until then, I face what is ahead and dream of the oasis that is waiting for me on the other side…join me.