We have held his little hands for exactly 356 days. I had dreamed about him for a very long time. I dreamed about singing to him. I dreamed about kissing his sweet face. I imagined what silly songs his dad would make up, while they played. I dreamed and dreamed for years and years. I also dreamed of watching my belly grow; of feeling the little kicks and movements of life inside of me. I wondered what I would look like with a bursting belly; would I have that pregnancy glow? I’ve dreamed about that since I was a little girl. BUT, I also dreamed of looking into the face of my child, knowing they looked nothing like me, not even the color of their skin, and trying to convince myself that I didn’t carry that child in my own body.
There are many fears when it comes to having a child, both biologically and through adoption. Being a parent is scary, no matter the circumstances. No matter how much you prepare, you will never be prepared enough when you look into their eyes for the first time. Your heart is mush. You are putty in hands that are the size of a quarter. When I saw Pierce for the first time, everything in my body shifted. I had carried that child, maybe not physically, but emotionally. That child has grown inside of me for years. I don’t know what labor feels like but I will tell you this…I know what it feels like to birth something you’ve been waiting for. There are so many times that I forget that Pierce didn’t come from my body. He is a Kilgore. He is his father, in so many ways. I also see his birth mom, when he smiles. He radiates her selfless ways and beauty. Pierce isn’t a backup plan. He isn’t a consolation prize. He’s our first choice. He is our child, through and through. He’s everything I dreamed up, from day one. He’s my dream come true.
This past weekend, we sang two separate songs, that both mentioned orphans, now having homes. We were rehearsing at home, while I held Pierce, and when we got to the line “The orphans now have a home”, we lost it. From the moment we knew about Pierce, he was wanted. He was chosen. He was ours, so referring to him as an orphan, is a struggle for me, because he’s just so much apart of me. I feel as though he was never an orphan. It’s supernatural, really. Something I just can’t explain to those who have never experienced it. He has been ours from the day he was conceived. Nonetheless, he was an orphan. We all were. The spiritual picture you experience through your own child, being adopted, kind of rocks your world.
I grew up in a wonderful home with an incredible father. I knew if there was something I needed, I could go to him, without hesitancy, and he would find a way for me to get what I needed…not wanted 🙂 but needed. I also knew that if a friend had a need, I could go to my parents and they would try to figure out a way to get that need met for them, as well. My father did and still does an incredible job of taking care of his kids. It’s his honor (he tells us), his privilege. I could sleep peacefully at night, knowing my dad was going to protect me. I had/have a secure sense in what being taken care of, felts/feels like. We feel that way with Pierce. There’s not one thing this child will need, that he won’t receive. We will exhaust every resource. He has access to whatever we have or what our families have. HE’S OUR CHILD.
Think about the spiritual aspect of being God’s child. When I do, I hang my head, and say, “Father, I’m so sorry.” How He longs to take care of us. It’s his desire; His pleasure. He has adopted each of us. What He has is ours already, simply because we are His kids. There’s nothing like a Father taking care of His child. When you’re taken care of, you can have the faith of a child. You can rest, knowing He’s taking care of you. You can depend on who He says He is. He’s faithful. He’s constant. He loves you more than you can imagine. I get that I have a healthy aspect of God as a Father, because I have such a wonderful one. I get that it’s a struggle for some to see God as someone who longs to take care of us, love us, and hold us when we ache. But He does. He really does. Our Heavenly Father, created the universe. HE CREATED THE UNIVERSE. He’s the ultimate Father. The one who will never leave you. He will never forsake you. He sacrificed His Son for you, so that we could spend eternity with Him. YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE ONE WHO CREATED YOU. You are no longer an orphan. You are adopted. You are His dream come true.