It’s been a while since I’ve blogged or journaled. I think it’s because I have been overwhelmed with emotions lately, not knowing exactly the order of my thoughts. We’ve experienced a lot of change in the past 3 months. We moved from our beautiful home and community in Tulsa, Oklahoma to another beautiful home and community in Gilbert, Arizona. You know those moments when you feel a nudge by God to do something? Well this move wasn’t a nudge…it was a push. I’m grateful for those moments. They don’t happen often but when they do, it’s fun to see it all come together, better than you can imagine. Home is where Ben is…and our dogs 🙂 so I am home.
A week or so ago, our pastor talked about trials and having faith through the trials. He described the levels of faith through pain, ranging from elementary to masters. He mentioned that during the Master level, which some rarely reach, you are thanking God for the storm because you know He will get the glory. As I listened, I was recalling the last 5 years. We’ve walked through the valleys and hilltops, but a lot seem to be the valleys. That’s not a sob story, we’ve just been hit by a lot. A huge theme being our desire to have children, adoption, fertility and loss. We’ve been disappointed. In fact, we’ve stayed in the place of just expecting disappointment. I’m not saying that was right, just saying that’s where we were. There have been many times walking through it all, that my heart has wanted to praise God in the midst. I do believe there were moments when I lifted my head to the hills, and I worshiped and delighted myself in the Lord. There were also many moments of doubt, fear, anger and just plain sadness. But something hit me during that message…my children being the glory of my Father. The outcome of the storm, will ultimately be the glory of our Heavenly Father. I saw them as a crown around His head. I then saw friends who are walking through fire, holding their hands. Your pain, your storm’s end result, is His glory. For some, that’s a comfort to you…for others, you honestly don’t want it…the pain is too hard. I understand that and don’t fault you for that. I have been there and still have moments of being there.
Do I know we will have children, yes. Will they bring glory to our Father? Absolutely. Is it fun? Nope. Is it easy? Nope. Do I question His ways? Yup! I don’t have the answers and it seems that everywhere I turn lately, I’ve encountered pain in others. I’m very sensitive so it weighs heavy on me. I want joy for others. I want freedom and peace for my friends and family. Just as much as I want that for them and myself, I know He desires it even more.
I know I’ve been guilty of thinking as long as I’m encountering and seeking out a relationship with God, I walk in His blessings. This is true to some degree, but what is dangerous, is when the storm comes, we blame Him. I certainly have. Do I think God can handle that? Of course. He didn’t promise a perfect life. Your faith doesn’t save you. His sacrifice did.
Definition of “sacrifice” from Websters
b : something given up or lost <the sacrifices made by parents>
b : worshipful praise, honor, and thanksgiving <giving glory to God>
I can only hope and pray that my heart brings glory to Him. Hold tight, one day you’ll be dancing in the beautiful security of His peace, joy and freedom.
Noelle Kilgore's Blog 
Hi Noelle it’s been years since I’ve seen you. I remember you as a young teenager and how you always had a presence of The Lord in you. Whether it was hearing you sing a special at Nazarene or down the halls at Hereford High, your face radiated with warmness and friendliness. I thought how beautiful and gracious you were when your mother asked me to fix your hair as in 17th century times. Now you’re a woman all grown up. I have thought and prayed for you over the years. Noelle hang on and don’t give up. Your body was created for reproduction and it brings glory and honor to the King when you house a life to full term, deliver, and raise that child for God. You take care of yourself and your husband. Keep your stress levels low and get a massage for relaxation. It’s a conscious effort. It’s available by the masses where you live. By the way my father in law lives down from Gilbert a little ways. Next time we go down ill look you up and pray with you. Gods richest blessings to you!
Hey Noelle. Had a dream about you and Ben and babies last night and was reminded about it today before church, so was praying for you guys in the Spirit. Then saw your IG so came and read the blog. So, just wanted to drop a line to say, God is working on your behalf in the Spirit. I’m expecting great things for you. I’ve hooked up in faith for you guys. Don’t give up! Or s a friend said recently, keep not quitting! He makes a way where there seems to be none.
I love you so much my dear friend. What a treasure to have known you since elementary school. Our moms played bridge together while we were one month apart in the womb. I have known you and loved you for so long and I love the babies that will be yours in the future. In my infertility struggle, you were so gracious and encouraging and in my joy of now having a baby, your attitude towards me has been just as rich…a true friend. I know where you are and I have been there, although my valley was visited for a much shorter time. You are a gift to those that know you. I cannot WAIT for the day that you become a mother, but as you’ll prob agree in a weird way…you’ll be grateful for this hard season. It is shaping you in ways known and unknown and those kids will be the recipients. Love you
I totally see where you are coming from. I love you and Ben, you both have got me through some very hard times, probably unknowingly. I wish you the best with children, my wife had a similar thing happen as well, so I feel you. Just know I am thinking about you and praying for the best. You to are truly talented and amazing souls.