Noelle Kilgore's Blog

When you experience the beginning stages of loss, the mornings always seem to be the worst.  It’s a reminder of reality; that it wasn’t just a bad dream.  It’s a push into a new day without what you once had.  Loss is such a difficult thing and so hard to process.  This is my second morning to face our loss and each day, it’s becoming more difficult.

Monday evening, we received a phone call that you pray you never receive when you’re in the adoption process (especially 10 days before your due date).  To make a long story short, the father claimed he never knew and he will not being giving consent.  The waters are muddy on what is truth and what is not, but they will not be placing their child.  We have lost our son.  We have both had moments where the breath has been knocked out of us and as we sat at a table tonight, looking at each other, we had no words.  Tears but no words.

You go through shock and then it sets in that all the dreams you once had, even the coming weeks, are gone.  The dream of your child meeting their sibling, helping with their bottle, changing tiny diapers, wondering what they will look like or how their little personalities will be…you mourn the future.  You mourn the dreams.  You mourn the idea of being parents to two little boys.  We know we will have more children.  That’s not the point.  The point is, we won’t have this child.  I won’t get to rock him in his nursery when we return home from his birth place.  I won’t get to kiss his face or hold his hand or put the boys in matching outfits (yes, I dreamed of that – I’m that mom :))

Last night we had worship rehearsal for the weekend and once again, as it’s always been in the past, I was put in a position where I was forced to put praise on my lips.  We’d all be lying if we said that doing that hasn’t been a struggle at one time or another.  As we sang each song over and over, it became easier and easier to lift my voice.  I’ve never been mad at God during this.  I can honestly say that, I just feel betrayed and violated…tricked.  I will never understand why the process for Ben and I to have a family has been so difficult, but I know that if it means we end up with a child like Pierce, we will go through hell and back.

Today, a song called “Heroes” by Amanda Cook has been my anthem.  Here’s a breakdown of what the lyrics mean to me in this time.  I hope it’s an encouragement to you.

“I will trust here in the mystery, I will trust in you completely”

I would be lying if I didn’t say this is a struggle to say.  In fact every time I sing these particular lyrics, I can’t make it through without crying, but I will continue to say them until my heart believes what I’m saying with my mouth.  This is a mystery.  Much of what we walk through is a mystery and the only hope we have is we can trust Him.

“Awake my soul to sing, with Your breath in me, I will worship”

I don’t know what the meaning of the lyrics are for the writer, but for me, it’s asking God to put His breath in me to worship.  Sometimes we don’t even have breath in us to lift our voice in worship, but through Him, through His breath, we can worship.

“You taught my feet to dance upon disappointment”

Now this part of the song, breaks me.  Even before this news, it broke me.  The key word that pops out to me is “taught”  It’s not something we just do naturally.  He teaches us to dance on disappointment and I believe it’s one dance lesson I will take over and over.  He holds my hand through it all.  He hasn’t left my side.  Trust me, I’m in the valley, but He’s with me.  He’s with you.  He hasn’t left you…even though it may feel that way.  He will breath His breath in you.  You will raise your voice to sing and you will dance upon disappointment.

We thank everyone for your prayers.  We ask that you continue to cover us with them.  We are broken and sad.  We are in the mourning stages and it’s hard.  Every package we open up of baby clothes or nursery items is like a knife in our hearts.  Anytime I hear his name in my head, my heart sinks.  We prayed for this boy.  We dreamed of this boy. And now we grieve for this boy. God will redeem this.  He always does.  We trust Him in the waiting.